All Mexico Roller Derby Championships
I tried to use the flight for writing but my lack of sleep caught up fast and I was out like a light for the majority of the ride.
After making the decision to open our relationship, I spent the next week or so trying to process and make sense of what I was feeling. My brain kept trying to understand what was going on by comparing. I wondered what their interactions were like if they were anything like ours? What happened if he fell in love with her? How did she compare to me? Was she “better” than me? Was there something that she was giving I couldn’t? While I never for a moment doubted Zack’s love for me, I remember also very much wanting the reassurance. I wanted to make sure nothing had changed between us. And I was needing that support bit more than I cared to admit. I really wanted to be that person that just instantly understood everything and was “okay” with it right away. But I kept going back and forth between logical understanding and having my raw emotions take over.
The bridge between knowing something and your feelings about that thing is often hard to cross, and this was going to take some time. I felt all of those old fears and insecurities from my past come rushing back again. Before Zack, I had only been in two prior relationships. The first was in my freshman year of high school and it ended very abruptly. We had been very close friends for many years and I really cared for him. Losing that relationship and more importantly, that friendship, without any warning, was very hard for me. For whatever reason, it left such an impression that every relationship after, I have been afraid that something would change. That it would end immediately like that again and that I would be left alone, hurting, in pain, and wondering what I did wrong. The second relationship was my ex-husband and we were together for 9 years. That is a lot of time and effort put into a relationship, even if it wasn’t the healthiest. When I found out he was cheating on me it also left quite the mark. He intentionally and purposefully hid his inappropriate actions with other woman from me and went to great lengths to do so. He then lied to me and made me feel as if it was my fault when I found out. This once again left me feeling very self-conscious, hurt and with a lot of questions. My head was reeling and I was trying so hard to keep it all separate.
Were my feelings about what was happening right now legitimate or was I projecting? I knew that this was a completely different relationship, and more importantly, a partnership. This was being done with complete openness. Yes, it was incredibly hard to hear about at times, but life isn’t always easy is it? No, I wasn’t upset at him and was not holding his feelings against him; how could I? He was completely upfront and honest with me from the very beginning. He wasn’t cheating because there is complete consent and knowledge by all parties. So why was I having such a hard time with this?
After quite a bit of self-analysis, I realized that one of the things I was having a really tough time with was him not physically being here to reassure me. While I was getting the verbal and emotional reassurance, I really wanted that physical too. I missed Zack. I not only wanted a hug and a kiss, but I also wanted those little moments that we share together that had come to mean so much to me. I wanted to feel that everything was alright and that nothing had changed. And right now, I just couldn’t have it. I was also having to come to terms with the fact that Montserrat was getting that time with him. And that was proving to be tough for me to cope with. But I also knew that this was something I was going to need to work through if this was going to work. At least now that I was aware of it, I could stop it from having power over me and my thoughts. I soon came to realize that while this wasn’t going to be easy and I wasn’t processing it all nearly as quickly as I would have liked, this was just something that I was going to have to work through and, like him, just continue to move forward.