Leaving Leon, at least for the weekend
Leon, Mexico to Portland, Oregon and
back
Zero Miles ridden
I spent the days after Moto Fiesta
doing some coaching with the skaters of Leon Roller derby and spending as much
time as I could with Montserrat. Cat and I were talking and while she was apprehensive
of my attraction, she was also understanding of my emotions and our continued
commitment to talking about things as they happened. While we were not in an
open relationship, she was willing to let me continue to spend lots of time
with her despite my growing feelings.
While my plans had been to depart
Leon on Wednesday morning, I was invited to come to Champs and do some writing
for Derby Central as well as work with the amazing folks at Mota skates in
their booth. It was all really spawned by a simple message
from Stephen “Rollomite” Carter asking if I was coming. I didn’t really
have a good reason not to come and wanted to see my friends so I made
arrangements and set out on a course to the Women's Flat Track Derby Association, WFTDA, World Championships in Portland, OR. This meant that I
would be staying in Leon till my departure and again for a day or two when I
returned.
The days were spent relaxing and
watching movies with Montserrat and both of us working on our respective
projects. Me for Expedition Recovery and her for her jersey company. The time flew by and was remarkably easy. We talked
and worked side by side like we had known each other for years. Most nights we
went out to eat or for me to coach Leon Roller derby as well as a small group
of skaters who were getting ready to tryout for Team Mexico Women’s Roller
Derby.
During the week I felt inspired by a fellow veteran and roller derby skater to stop doing things with who I am for what others will think about them. It took her a bit of convincing that it was really what I wanted, but Montserrat did finally help me cut my hair to better represent who I am inside and in my heart.
On departure day, an early morning
Uber took me the 45 minutes to the airport and then it was off on my way to
Portland with a few stops along the way. I was fortunate enough to be able to
stay with the same good friends in their home along with a few visiting Alaska
skaters who had made the trip down. Arriving at the airport meant linking up
and all taking the monorail down to the house. It was a great reunion, and this
time no decapitated bunnies to great me….
The derby was
spectacular with Rose City managing to take the top spot over Gotham for a
second year in a row. While I only worked a few recaps, I continue
to enjoy the process and learned a lot from the three editors who I worked with
over the weekend. My recaps can be found here:
While my writing was
limited, I spent a large amount of time working the Mota booth fitting and
selling skates. In addition to Luz Chaos, and Doug and Julie Glass, I also got to work with U’rkn Martin for the weekend. She
was a ton of fun and the time seemed to fly by despite the long hours.
I found I was hard
pressed not to spend a lot of my free time flirting with a beautiful and
amazing women I had met earlier in the trip and tried to not notice her as much
as I could. It was a losing battle but I was feeling very conflicted
with myself over my growing feelings for Montserrat, my continued attraction to
this amazing women, and my love for Cat. Thankfully the weekend was full enough
that I wasn’t left with too much time to dwell on it.
The weekend allowed me
to see some great friends, like Carter who had started the ball rolling on me
showing up, Tony Muse, Erin Go Brawl, Miracle Whips, and my original derby
crush Suzy Hotrod. I also was able to see many of my favorite people
from Alaska who had come down and a few who had moved away. Titan
Young, who had started with the Fairbanks Rollergirls before moving to the
Juneau Rollergirls and then to the Sitka Sound Slayers, agreed to come on board
as the second shop sponsored skater for me at Mota Alaska. It was
great to have her join and she even jumped in at the booth helping when we got
slammed in the mad rush between games.
Van Essa “V-Diva” Sites
was on fire all weekend and I was so glad to get to have a wonderful dinner
with her during the weekend and get to catch up on all the happenings in her
life and her change from Philly to Gotham this season. No inside
baseball, but she is an amazing human being and there is a lot going on there
that the public doesn't see.
Following the championship
game I had dinner at a great little taco place with all the Alaskans.
While we hadn’t planned on meeting up, we all just ended up their anyway. It
was really nice to see so many of Alaska’s amazing derby community, past and
present, come down to champs.
After dinner I chose to
go out to the after party. I only intended to stay for a little bit but one
thing led to another and I ended up playing a bit of bashful party hide and
seek with my crush. What had been a spark over shared interests and turned to a
touch of booth flirting became buying a few drinks, dancing, and ultimately
having a bit of a throwback to my youth in the 90’s with her asking if she
could kiss me. The excitement, attraction, and my lowered
inhibitions all led to me enjoying several moments of passionate kissing inside
the club, and again as she got into her cab to leave. I was just barley
clearheaded enough to decline leaving with her and her friends and instead
closed out the night with an Uber back to the house.
As fast as the decision
to go had been made, the weekend was over. I spent my last morning
calling Cat to tell her what happened. While there was hurt for both of
us, we talked it through and made some choices to continue to be partners and
that the reawakening of my polyamory after years of forcing it down was
something we could and would work though. Her support has been amazing this
whole trip and I can't imagine being on this journey with any other partner.
We talk almost every day and about everything with full honesty. It
is the only way this could work and I am so glad she is willing to work with me
as I find who I am again.
From having never been
to a WFTDA tournament, to having officiated The Big O, reported on D2’s in
Lansing, D1’s in Vancouver, and finally attending both the men’s and women’s
roller derby world championships all in one year was one hell of a
ride. While I thought that would be the end of my season, the trip
had one more surprise in store for me.
So now that I have had my say, it's time for my wonderful partner Cat's thoughts.
Zack asked me if I would like to possibly
do a bit of composition writing for the blog. Since a lot of what he is
blogging about right now has to deal with us and our relationship, he thought
it might be a good idea to give a voice to my side of the story and have the
opportunity to share my feelings about some of what he is going through and how
it affects me and our partnership. As soon as I read his suggestion, I thought
it was a fantastic idea. Not only is this something kind of original and really
cool, but it gives others a perspective that they may never otherwise be
exposed to.
As Zack did when he started this blog, I
think it is important to give a little background about me, specifically my
relationship history. It will put a lot of what I share into perspective and
plays a very large roll in what I think and how I react and respond to
situations. I got married when I was 20 years old and the marriage lasted for 6
years. While it did not start out this
way, it soon became a very emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive
relationship. Yelling, manipulation, lying, fear, and control were all too
common in my life. Having someone yell at me for trying to hold his hand,
berate me for asking how his day was and demean me for sharing with him him how
I felt and then tell me that my feelings didn't matter became very normal for
me. He would critique, question and criticize me so often that I soon began second
guessing everything I did. I often
wondered if what I was feeling was “correct”. He used my feelings to his
advantage to get exactly what he wanted without any regard for me. I lost
myself completely in that relationship and worse, I started to believe him. As
if that wasn't bad enough, he also cheated on me and lied about it on numerous
occasions.
It has been a little over two years since I
have been out of that toxic environment and I have worked very hard to become
the strong, beautiful, independent, amazing woman that I am today. I am still
working on recovering and finding myself, but I make the choice each day learn
from the circumstances and situations in my life and try to find a silver
lining. I think it is also important to note that when Zack left on this trip I
made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would not sit idly by and wait
for him to come home but I would go on my own journey of healing, processing, and
growth. It certainly hasn't been easy, but it has been completely worth it and
made me stronger for it.
From the moment Zack arrived in Leon he had
been very open with me about his feelings for Montserret. Because we talk about
everything he would often share with me compliments that he gave to her or
conversations that they had. I very quickly realized that there was a genuine
connection between the two of them. Even with his growing attraction, every
time Zack shared something with me, he was very quick to follow up with how
much he still loved me, wanted me in his life and was thankful for our
partnership. As he put it, “I know it is easy to think
the grass is greener on the other
side but my experience has taught me that the grass is greenest where you water
it, love it, and care for it. The grass is green and
lush right here.”
While the reassurance felt good and did helped
calm a lot of my fears about him leaving me for another, I will admit, I was
hesitant and I was jealous. I also immediately revered back to my old way of
thinking and was becoming doubtful and critical of myself and my feelings.
There was that little familiar voice in back of my head saying, “What if you’re
wrong about yourself? Are you really sure you feel that way?” For so many
years, I was teased and criticized and told that my thoughts and emotions were
“wrong”, maybe this isn’t how I actually feel, maybe it is just how I wanted to
feel. The more I second guessed myself,
the louder that little voice became.
The following weekend was Champs and I
remember the weekend quite well actually because it was the first time I had
really begun processing what was happening with Montserret. I spent most of the
weekend trying to distract myself and desperately trying to sort through my emotions.
To make matters a bit harder, Zack then shared with me what had happened at the
after party with his derby crush. While
I was very glad that he was so upfront and honest with me about what happened,
but it also hurt, sad, and confused. I quickly went back to second guessing and
doubting myself and my emotions. Not
only was I trying to sort through how I felt about my partner being attracted
to other women, and now having acted on that attraction, it also brought back all
the memories of pain, hurt, betrayal, and scars of my past.
I quickly recognized what was happening and
understood that in order for me to process my feelings about Zack, I had to
also work through my feelings about my prior abuse. Specifically, how it affected me and what I
was feeling. I did not want my emotional baggage from my past relationship to
interfere and affect this one; I care too much to let that happen. I immediately came up with the idea of doing
a personal word collage. I wanted something that represented my progression of
thoughts and feelings over the past year or two and validated and celebrated each
and every emotion I had.
Even before
the last bit of mog podge was dry, I could feel myself letting go of some of
the weight that I had been carrying around with me. I could see where I came
from and I could see where I was going. I went from a place of crippling and
immobilizing fear and hurt and pain to a place of complete openness and trust
and communication. And it was in that instant I knew that no matter what, I
would be okay.
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